Correspondence
Correspondence
Fiction: Emails from a bureaucratic future of personality tests and controlled opposition.
03/05
To: Dissent District Team (Management)
From: Monan Eckler (Counseling and Observation Division)
Subject: Regarding Lain Hallahan
CC: Upper Division Management
To whom it may concern,
I hope this email finds you well. I am reaching out to your department regarding your recent acquisition of Lain Hallahan. Firstly, congratulations. Her low marks in agreeability and moderate/high IQ make her a genuinely perfect candidate for your district. She will thrive there, perhaps become a legend, and in all honesty it is evident that your district has been starving for a new legend.
I know the upper-uppers have dismissed genetic memory as neo-spiritualist hogwash, but I have to say, there is always something about those Irish that makes them fit perfectly into the Dissent District. It’s that deep seated hatred of the UK, I imagine, even though they shouldn’t even know what the UK was. It’s part of her, you know. I told a coworker in my department that she looked like a young Sinead O’Connor and no one knew what I was talking about. My time was a different time, I suppose. I’m an old dog.
I wanted to give a quick note: She is a delight, and a perfect fit for the district, but she is a little outstanding in some of her test categories—some of the dangerous ones.
Do you remember Ansel Ngyuen? Nguyen fit all of the necessary requirements for the Conservative White Collar District. High scores in innovation, aggression and fitness, low in agreeability. The only issue was a pinch of too much empathy and too little psychopathy.
If you don’t remember the Ansel Nguyen Incident, I recommend checking the records. That was when the upper-uppers learned that empathy and violence are NOT mutually exclusive. Often the opposite.
Furthermore, if you look at the report you’ll see they had to call in Secondary Security. A lot of people died. A lot of good people, my friends even.
All I am saying here is be wary. When you look at her profile, think of Nguyen. I’m not trying to do your job for you, but such incidents can be bloody. So just pay attention.
Lain’s profile is attached.
Regards,
Monan Eckler
03/05
To: Monan Eckler (Counseling and Observation Division)
From: Iggy Orman (Dissent District Team Management)
Subject: RE: Regarding Lain Hallahan
CC: Upper Division Management
Thank you for your insights. We will take all of this into consideration.
I have reviewed the Nguyen incident report and I would say its cause has more to do with the failure of the sorting programs. Were I to follow my own judgment, based on his test results, I would have put Nguyen in the Libertarian Entrepreneur District. So, I think what we are seeing in the Nguyen case is a sort of bias from the programs themselves.
I understand your wariness, what with Secondary Security’s involvement in the Nguyen incident. Believe me, that is the last thing I want. If it were solely up to me, I may have sorted Lain Hallahan into the Radical Liberal Upper Middle Class Self-Hating Academic w/ Revolutionary Beliefs and Counter-Revolutionary Actions District. Alas, she was sorted by “the expert programs” into ours, and we will deal with it as we must until the programs are adjusted to account for their biases.
I don’t know much about the old world. I’m a spring chicken, as it were. But I do know that personality tests are a relic from that time, and that they were imperfect but useful. What made them imperfect was the neuroses of the people taking them, their subjective interpretations of the questions, and the context in which they were taking the test. Was it for work? Marriage compatibility? What were the stakes? Now the stakes are higher than ever. The organization of our entire civilization is contingent on these damn tests, and now even the programs have biases. There must be another way.
Anyway, thank you for your insight, again, Mr. Eckler. And yes, you’re right. She does look like a young Sinead O’Connor. She’s a pretty girl, this one. She may make a pretty woman someday.
Oh, and the O’Connor thing is something we might lean into, good observation. I will collaborate on our end, make sure we get the right anti-state and anti-religion music and art in front of her. We haven’t had any Dissidents from our district attempt to storm the capitol in the last few years. Perhaps, we finally have a leader among them. They always love the storyline that comes with storming the capitol, of their rise to rebellion and then their almost immediate suppression. It’s a perfect cycle for them. By keeping their object of desire just barely out of reach, they always have a tremendously meaningful experience. I envy it, honestly.
Must be the luck o’ the Irish that our department got her.
Cheers,
Iggy Orman
07/18
To: Shelly Henson (Graphic Arts Department)
From: Alicia Gonzalez (Propaganda and Marketing Department)
Subject: RE: Dissent District’s Request
CC: Upper Division Management
Goose, I’m gonna cut to the chase here.
Dissent asked for the anti-capitol posters last week and now they’re really on my ass. I have nothing to give them until I get a fucking design from you, copy? They’re so far up my cooch I can feel them clawing my esophagus (I know that’s not how the anatomy works—you know what I’m saying here).
I don’t care if you reuse the design from ten years ago, I don’t care if you scribble it out in crayon, I don’t fucking care if you write it out in your own blood and shit I need that poster design and I need it right fucking now.
I’m sorry about your husband, I really am. But it’s been a long time now, and it’s time to get back to work. Upper Division Management will link you up with a younger, prettier boy soon, just give it time.
Alright? Alright. Get me a design today.
Furiously,
Alicia Gonzalez
7/18
To: Alicia Gonzalez (Propaganda and Marketing Department)
From: Shelly Henson (Graphic Arts Department)
Subject: RE: Dissent District’s Request
CC: Upper Division Management
Your request is attached.
I would appreciate it if you would stop calling me Goose. That nickname is solely reserved for people I consider friends, not mandatory employee relationships.
Oh and yes, the esophagus is not even remotely linked to the vaginal canal or uterus. Otherwise, you would be spending most of your career on maternity leave from all the dicks you had to swallow to get to your position.
Either way, no more mention of my late husband, alright love? Thank you.
Shelly
07/19
To: All Departments
From: Upper Division Management
Subject: Shelly “Goose” Henson Has Been Terminated.
CC:
This is a notice to all departments that Shelly “Goose” Henson has been terminated. If you or someone you know has been affected by Henson’s harassment, please visit HR on the fifth floor to set up a counseling session.
Regards,
Upper Division Management
08/01
To: Alicia Gonzales (Propaganda and Marketing Department)
From: Efraim Watterson (Music Department)
Subject: RE: Dissent District Soundtrack
CC: Upper Division Management
Alicia, I think I had more fun putting this playlist together than any of the others.
I was torn between overt and covert, but this Lain girl, she’s smart, yes? So I made a sort of a menagerie of music and eras. I don’t know if she’ll have the full context for why The Sonics were a significant deviation in their era or why Gene Krupa made old bags clutch their pearls. Some of it might seem pastiche, but that’s why you clip it in with the Dead Kennedys and Bad Brains. If she’s smart she will see where music is and where music has been. It should all encourage her to think that while similar rebellions have been staged before, hers is unique. Because to her, her music of rebellion won’t become elevator music like Django Reinhardt and Simon and Garfunkel’s did, she’ll think her understanding of the past will be to her advantage.
I think I’ve really done it this time.
P.S. I threw in Pills and Soap and Big Sister’s Clothes by Elvis Costello. She has no context for who the hell Margaret Thatcher is, but that’s not really the point. If she thinks she’s looking at symbols, she’ll attempt to find meaning in them, and she will. Semiotics, baby. I always remind myself that in the old world they wasted a great deal of resources on trying to decipher alien symbols that ended up just being random pulses in gamma radiation or whatever. All that virtual reality had some real world consequences, didn’t it? Sometimes it makes me wonder about what we’re doing now.
I’m rambling. Sometimes I forget work emails aren’t meant to be fun.
P.P.S. A position in the Culture Department is opening up next spring. Please put in a good word for me.
Best,
Efraim Watterson
08/01
To: Alicia Gonzalez (Propaganda and Marketing Department)
From: Mari Kawaguchi (Culture Department)
Subject: RE: Dissent District Cultural Conditions
CC: Upper Division Management
This Lain girl is a wee bit too bright almost, and from our observations we are going to struggle to walk a very thin fine line here. I like her. She reminds me of me. A stubborn sharp-toothed cunt with a heart of gold who always gets what she wants.
The old world figured out Displacement as a coping mechanism was the best way to cull actual rebellion, giving the young people the sense that they were being counter-cultural, while subsuming them into the hegemony-that-be. This is where we get Hot Topic, Zumies, punk rock radio stations, Elon Musk, The US Democratic Socialist Party, The US Libertarian Party, corporations exploiting this or that grassroots movement, et cetera, et cetera, assuming you remember any of that garbage. Very effective strategy, but as a result nothing ever happened, which is what they wanted.
We want the opposite.
Efraim was right to evade ham-fistedness, but too much esotericism leads one to become one of those insufferable Yoganandi types, the people who thought dropping tabs and shoving crystals up their ass meant they could wish away capitalism. Lain could easily become that with the wrong touch. In my opinion, Efraim should rework his playlist a little. Sharpen the teeth and sharpen the focus. We cannot allow her subculturalization to function as a Displacement coping mechanism if they want to move forward with the Smash-the-State Sim. She has to be driven to action.
In short, it would be good to remind Efraim that our aim here is to weaponize her empathy, not subdue it.
Always consider the reasons a revolution fails. The Occupy Movement, the Tea Party Movement, Zenkyoto, May ‘68, the Poor People’s March. Concession, concession, concession. We cannot allow her to accept any compromise, any anything as “good enough.” No handout, no art, no nothing. That includes music.
I would have emailed Efraim directly, but to be frank he irritates me.
A position is opening up in our department in spring. I beg you, keep him locked away in his little nerd subdivision. It’s bad enough I have to interact with him in person bi-weekly, I could quite possibly become suicidal if I have to see him daily.
Oh, and that reminds me, he included a song on his playlist by Rush called Subdivisions. Great song, but she’s not going to like it, at least not according to her profile. Please at least make sure he removes this one. At least.
Thank you, dear,
Kawaguchi
08/03
To: Alicia Gonzalez (Propaganda and Marketing Department)
From: Efraim Watterson (Music Department)
Subject: RE: RE: Dissent District Soundtrack
CC: Upper Division Management
I made the requested changes.
I have to say, it feels like Miss Kawaguchi has played a big role in these adjustments. Is that right? Is it her? You know she hates me, right? She hates me and I’m afraid it’s painting her perception of my playlist. The original was better. I’m telling you the original was so much better. You don’t have to believe me, but I know I’m right.
Anyway, it’s an attached file.
P.S. I looked over Lain’s profile again. Did you know that in a different world she could have been plucked out to work on our end of things? I looked at some of the profiles of our department heads and they’re almost exactly like hers. Just interesting.
Best,
Efraim
10/20
To: Dissent District (Management)
From: Jeff Gultch (Janitorial Department)
Subject: Out of place?
CC:
Hey Dissent people, there’s a book on Lain’s shelf that I’ve never seen before. We were just doing some housecleaning in the district and found this shoved between Lenin and Fukuyama. Maybe I’m just now noticing it or maybe it’s contraband. Maybe you guys okayed it for some reason. Called Simulacra and Simulation. I can’t find it in the list of approved texts for Dissent District. You guys mind just checking on it? I’ll leave it for now, but lemme know if I should get rid of it.
Thanks.
Jeff
10/20
To: Iggy Orman (Dissent District Management)
From: Eisman Squire (Dissent District Management)
Subject: FWD: From: Jeff Gultch (Janitorial Department): Out of place?
CC:
The janitors are bitching about the bookshelves. Do you care?
Regards,
Eisman Squire
10/20
To: Eisman Squire (Dissent District Management)
From: Iggy Orman (Dissent District Management)
Subject: RE: FWD: From: Jeff Gultch (Janitorial Department): Out of place?
CC:
Just ignore them. I don’t know what’s with the hiring profiles for the Janitorial Division but they’re all paranoid schizos. Maybe having their entire Department shoved under Dissent District’s capitol building turned them all into crazy mole people.
I don’t know if they think playing detective will get them some sort of promotion or something, but just know they are only good for one thing: sweeping.
Also, goddamnit, watch your CCs. I know the janitor screwed it up, but make sure the upper-uppers are always copied or we’ll catch heat.
Signed,
Iggy Orman
10/31
To: Dissent District Team (all departments), Propaganda and Marketing (all departments)
From: Iggy Orman (Dissent District Management)
Subject:The Big Day is Tomorrow!
CC: Upper Division Management
Great work the past few months, everyone. Lain and her gang should be storming the capitol tomorrow morning. This will be the first time in 10 years that we have run a successful Smash-the-State Simulation! Lain will die and become a legend to the Dissidents and serve as a future figure of dissent for later generations and on and on, keeping the Dissent District alive and well for another ten years at least.
Enjoy the evening, everyone! Get some rest.
The big day is tomorrow!
Cordially,
Iggy Orman
10/31
To: Iggy Orman, Dissent District (Management)
From: Jeff Gultch (Janitorial Department)
Subject: RE: Out of place?
CC:
I’m not sure if this is significant, but I peeked in that book and there’s a pretty elaborate map of the Janitorial Department beneath the capitol, that leads into other departments and districts. It also has our Department’s hours of operation and when our doorway is locked and unlocked. Signed by “The Goose.” Does that mean anything to you?
The other concerning thing is that I went to check on the Dissidents’ sleeping quarters and none of them seem to be there. I’m sure you all already know about this, but you can’t be too cautious right?
Jeff
11/01
To: All Departments
From: Upper Management Division
Subject: Emergency
CC:
Emergency: Breach in Dissent District. Emergency: The Dissidents are in the Janitorial Division and moving fast through the hallways.
Deal with this immediately.
From,
Upper Management Division
11/01
To: Iggy Orman
From: Alicia Gonzalez (Propaganda and Marketing Department)
Subject:
CC: Upper Division Management
What the fuck is going on down there, Iggy? What the fuck did you do? I swear to fucking god if you fucked up this perfect fucking Smash the State Sim I’m going to string you up by your fucking balls and hang you up in my garden until you whither into beef-fucking-jerky.
Best regards,
Alicia Gonzalez
11/01
To: Iggy Orman (Dissent District Management)
From: Eisman Squire (Dissent District)
Subject: FWD: RE: FWD: From: Jeff Gultch (Janitorial Department): Out of place?
CC:
I know you told me to ignore the whole Janitor thing, but I just reread his last email. Do you think it’s Shelly? I mean, she had access to all the propaganda materials. Maybe she slipped the book in before her termination? I don’t know.
Sincerely,
Eisman Squire
11/01
To: Eisman Squire (Dissent District)
From: Iggy Orman (Dissent District Management)
Subject: FWD: RE: FWD: From: Jeff Gultch (Janitorial Department): Out of place?
CC:
You know what thinking like a janitor gets you, Squire? IT GETS YOU A JOB IN THE GODDAMN JANITORIAL DEPARTMENT! Is that what you want? I said ignore those emails. Do your goddamn job and ignore those emails and get your ass over to my office to help me get this situation under control.
11/01
To: All Departments
From: Upper Management Division
Subject: RE: Emergency
CC:
Due to your interdepartmental incompetence, we have decided to deploy Secondary Security. You have [1] minute(s) to evacuate your departments. If you have not evacuated you will be considered acceptable collateral.
Sincerely,
Upper Management Division
11/01
To: Upper Management Division
From: Alicia Gonzalez
Subject: RE: Emergency
CC:
What are you fucking talking about? It takes ten minutes just to get to the stairwell from my office!
11/01
To: All Departments
From: Shelly “Goose” Henson
Subject: TeeHee
CC: Upper Management Division
Goose here. I sure hope this finds you well.
Turns out they never deactivated my internal email. How convenient is that! I was worried I wouldn’t have one last chance to tell you all how terrible it’s been working with you people. But look at us now!
I’m assuming you’re all hiding under your respective desks while Secondary Security works through the offices and into the districts. Luckily that gives you some time to read my email.
Basically, all I want to say to you is: How many of you remember the Ansel Nguyen incident? Probably not many. A lot of people died. My husband being one of them. So, let me set up some expectations for you: Secondary Security are trained to shoot anything that twitches, nothing more, nothing less. They do not care about your position, they do not care about your role, they don’t care how many gold stars you’ve gotten. Secondary Security WILL find you, the same way they found my husband. He was a Division Lead, just like some of you. The only difference is that my husband did nothing wrong, whereas you are all about to get what you’ve deserved for a long time.
That is all I have to say to you people.
Goodbye and see you in hell.
With love,
Goose Henson
11/01
To: Upper Management Division
From: Secondary Security Detail
Subject: RE: Emergency
CC:
Targets neutralized. Collateral damage near acceptable maximum. Notable internal casualties (based on recovered ID cards): Iggy Orman, Alicia Gonzalez, Mari Kawaguchi, Eisman Squire, Monan Eckler and Efraim Watterson. These were your Division leads, yes? It is promotion season, after all. Lucky for the newcomers.
Note: There is one target we have not been able to isolate from the Dissent District: Lain Hallahan.
We will continue our search and keep you updated.
Regards,
Secondary Security Detail
Slater is an author of weird fiction from Los Angeles, California. For more work like this, consider subscribing to Futurist Letters.
 | A guest post by
|