John Halo Rates the Slogans

A review of the past ten years of American sloganeering.

In the war of public attention, good slogans are the siege weapons. They are the only things powerful enough to break down enemy narratives in the battlefield mind of the uninformed voter. Unfortunately, a lot of them suck. Most suck. Especially ours, meaning Democrats, which is one reason I am sitting here writing a facetious listicle instead of staffing D.C. right now.

Join me, John Halo, on a magical retrospective through ten years of very stupid American national politics and the various slogans deployed. I will go worst-to-best, with numbered ratings so you can comment I’m wrong and dumb. Back in the day, they would have paid you actually money to write something like this for Buzzfeed or Cosmo. At least, that’s what I hear. I’m not old.

Seppuku Tier

All Cops are Bastards - 0/10 Absolutely inconceivable own-goal by the left. A slogan literally listed by the ADL as skinhead hate speech. Had girls crying saying that Brooklyn Nine-Nine was evil. The peak of the mass hysteria. Even the USSR had cops.

Where We Go One, We Go All - 0/10 Somehow manages to have negative charisma. A chant from a bad SciFi channel cult movie. Phonically like burning your mouth on soup. As with all Q tripe, it means nothing.

Nasty Woman - 1/10 Specifically for Hillary's use of it, although Trump's original was bad as well. You can't reclaim 'nasty.' It's too unpleasant. It stuck to her brand like a rotten fish thrown at a Honda Civic.

I'm With Her - 2/10 Only gets two points for the humor of how bad it was. Feels pulled from a satire. Disastrous. The funny thing is “She's With Us” would have been a 7/10.

You Will Not Replace Us - 3/10 The car crash moment for the Alt Right at Charlottesville. Forever associated with screaming twerps with tiki torches. Plays only to the extremely autistic edge of MAGA and makes everyone else see them as bitter Nazi losers. Great Replacement does not work in the melting pot like it does in Europe.

Abolish/Defund the Police - 3/10 This was like a meal made of mud that someone temporarily transmogrified into caviar. Halfway through, the spell wore off, and some people just kept shoveling dirt in their mouths. Narrative hijack by the black bloc crowd (no relation to African Americans).

Dud Tier

Lyin' Joe Biden - 4/10 Didn't work because it was too long and did not play to Trump's differentiated strengths. Everyone knows Trump lies constantly so this felt hollow.

We're Not Going Back - 4/10 Clearly we did go back. Good in theory but only played to the wine mom base. Utterly inert. Everyone wants to go back to pre-COVID, anyway, so rings false.

Democracy is on the Ballot - 5/10 How do you screw it up this bad when your opponent literally wants to dismantle the government? The Democratic party took January 6th, which should be a slam dunk win for us, and workshopped it to death until our slogan sounded like upmarket podcast blather.

Tried a Little Award

No Malarkey - 6/10 This only really worked because Biden was trying to be the Joe Biden from The Onion. Autoflanderization by way of decentralized propaganda. Corny and memorable.

All Lives Matter - 6/10 In theory this was a good, safe coup for Republicans, but the Democratic cultural narrative was just so strong that this came off looking like racist double-speak. Should be a 9/10 but just wasn't very effective.

Coconut Tree - 6/10 I lump all the coconut tree discourse together here. Managed to turn Harris' most awkward clips into a positive, something charming. Also created a campaign vibe for her wholecloth in a matter of hours. Ultimately did not matter outside of the party ingroup but definitely prevented a DNC civil war.

Okay He Cooked

Lock Her Up - 8/10 Shocking in its depravity, at the time it debuted. Third World. Like WWE. Ended the long American twentieth century. Gave a value proposition to voting for Trump in 2016, like a ticket to a public execution. “Tick this box and watch something crazy happen.”

Earthshaker Tier

Stop the Steal - 9/10 A sonic masterpiece. So fun to say. Takes the election stealing as a given, which is almost miraculous sleight of hand. This is it, the Big Lie.

Sleepy Joe - 9/10 It's true! He is sleepy! Once you heard it you could not watch Biden anymore without realizing he was half-zonked. Successfully differentiated Biden and Trump. A rhetorical poison arrow. Phenomenonal.

Make America Great Again - 9/10 At once an immediate, specific brand vision and a black hole for any actual policy. Perfect for coalition building. McDonald's and Classic Coke. Implies a will to power. Evergreen. Also stolen from Reagan.

Will You Shut Up, Man? - 9/10 The only thing that has ever broken the Trump trance for the American public, ever, albeit only for a few months. An absolutely fantastic strike at Trump's vulnerability. He really does talk endlessly and angrily about almost nothing at all.

Black Lives Matter - 10/10 You could not have bred a more perfect slogan in a lab. The ultimate political organism. It is the motte and the bailey. Worked up an almost millenarian fervor in 2020. Only died because the cops quiet quit and its namesake organization of BLM became a grift.