Unsent Letters to Former Friends
Never-saids to five people out of touch.
Excuse the reminiscent mood. There’s something in the change of seasons bringing it on. Perhaps this will spur you to think of what you’d say to your own used-to-bes.
S,
I didn't want to play handball and soccer at lunch. I wanted to play pretend in the garden, and so did you. I can't remember now if I had a crush or just thought you were kind. You were the first of my many dear lesbian friends, although you didn't know it then. I'm not sure why that always happens to me.
Your dad was my cabin chaperone at outdoor science school and I hated him because he was the only one of twelve chaperones to not let his cabin boys out after dark to run through the woods. I don't think he liked me, if he thought about me at all.
We parted ways with no goodbye. If we met now I don't think we'd have a thing in common to talk about.
But we did in the third grade garden.
L,
We were the least actory people in our college acting class. You let me talk about XCOM 2. You told me all about your girlfriend. We weren't even Catholic but we got obsessed with Silence and we saw it so many times at the downtown matinee like it was the best thing ever.
You got me way too high on an edible before Alien: Covenant and I hated that movie so much because I just wanted everything to work out for poor Katherine Waterston. I love it now, though, because now I understand how life goes. So does Ridley Scott. He and I both learned the hard way.
I could look you up. You're a tap away. I don't know why I don't. I guess our cups are full. Our cups stay full. Thanks for filling mine when you did.
V,
I don't know if you ever called yourself my friend. I don't know how your mind works. I can only guess. Remember when I moved your car on set so you wouldn't get a ticket? Remember casting, and after? I was scared you resented me for asking if you might refer me to your literary management, which you never did, and that’s fine. You were going to be Hollywood big-time. You were straight-A, and I never was.
I guess you did it. You wiped your Instagram. You got your indie romcom made and it's coming out next year. You got that girl from that show and that guy from that superhero thing. You knew something I didn't. You probably still do.
You can only take so many people along for the ride.
E,
I'm sorry I was rude about that guy you hate now before you were ready to hear it. I'm sorry about my one buddy at the bonfire in 2018 who kept arguing it was okay to say retard while we all piled on him like he was Thanos. When I first saw you in that lecture hall you were probably the smallest person in there but you lit up the room and I think I was permanently awestruck.
You kissed my girlfriend but it’s okay and doesn’t count because it was for art. You got exactly the friends you wanted, and I don't think it's bad the way you got your dream job. It was smart. You made LA yours. I'm not mad you took your name off what we wrote together, and I'm still proud of it. I wish I knew what I did to make you stop texting me back. It eats at me a little.
A,
We had three classes together and you cried and told me you're scared you're evil. Remember that? Was that just a bit or was that serious? I think I know the answer.
I never asked how your family got the money to buy all those KFCs, or how they were so profitable. Thanks for paying when we went out to dinner. I was super broke. If your family really is the mob I hope you know that doesn't define you and you can make your own path. I don't envy you.
Would you believe I don't remember your name? I remember other things, though. I remember you making me feel old, because you had so much energy. I was young then and I felt old. I'm still young and still feel old. How do you feel? Are you still with us?
I hope you made it out of that mind prison. You were close to the edge. You scared me with what you said after dark at the pier, and I pulled away. A smarter me might have known what to say.
We are what we are.